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Column
By
Adam Fouche
The Jackson Herald
September 13, 2000
Ladies, this one's
for you
Earlier this year, I wrote two columns addressing women. One
concerned how to get a woman while the other was about understanding
women.
Since then, I have been flooded with letters from female readers
who wish to know more about men. And because I am a fair and
level-headed journalist, I will address these questions in my
column today.
·Why won't men stop and ask for directions? Well, this
is a common myth that has been a stigma to the male race for
many decades. Truth is, we don't need any directions. From the
very beginning, a tribe of Neanderthal men got together and elected
a chairman named Jirb. Jirb decided that men must make women
feel like they are far superior to us in intelligence, so we
purposely drive way out of the way to make women think we are
lost. It's all part of the "Plan."
· Why do guys always look at other women? The answer to
this question is two fold. First, ladies, I think you are rather
misunderstanding our intentions. As outlined in the "Plan,"
a man looks at another woman and merely thinks, "Man, I'm
glad that is not my girlfriend (or wife) because she is no where
near as beautiful as you." Second, the man is simultaneously
thinking, "That skirt would look much better on my sweet
lady."
·Why don't men listen? Huh? I'm sorry; I was watching
the TV.
·Why don't men share their feelings? Here we have a miscommunication.
Men do share their feelings. On the football field, men share
anger with one another. Fishing in the boat, men share their
appreciation of life. And in front of the TV, men share their
happiness.
·Why do men flip through several stations, why don't they
just watch one thing? This boils down to intellect. Why should
we watch one TV show and only learn about how to build a deck
when we can watch four and learn how to build a deck in Antarctica
that will support the habitat of African jungle ants and provide
enough food for the cast of "Will and Grace"? You see,
it is simply a matter of keeping an open mind. We want to learn
as much as possible in the smallest amount of time. Again, this
is all part of the "Plan."
·Why do men leave dirty clothes lying around all the time?
In 1643, Sir Thomas de Aroma invented a new system for determining
how dirty our clothes were. Under de Aroma's amendments to the
"Plan," a man does not wash an article of clothing
until: (A) it becomes too stiff to wear, or (B) it begins glowing
and emitting higher amounts of radiation than the soil in Chernobyl.
If neither of those exceptions apply, then the article of clothing
is not dirty and should not be washed.
·How do you get a man? Just be a woman.
·Why don't men put down the toilet seat? Why don't women
put the toilet seat up?
·Why don't men take care of their responsibilities around
the house? I don't know about this one. I mean, at my house,
whenever the doorknob falls off, I pick it up and put it back
on. And besides, all the remote controls have fresh batteries.
·Why don't men admit when they're wrong? I don't think
this is a problem.
·Why are men lazy? I'll answer this question later.
·Why do men always want to be the boss? Because it never
happens.
Well, that's about it, ladies. I hope I have helped all of you
understand the male race a little better. See, we are not as
bad as many of you think.
And if you have any more questions, just let me know. I'll get
around to answering you, sometime.
In the meantime, there's three or four shows I need to be watching
on TV.
Adam Fouche is a reporter for MainStreet Newspapers. His email
address is fouche@nbank.net.
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Jackson County Opinion Index |
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Column
By
Tim Thomas
The Jackson Herald
September 13, 2000
Winning where it
counts
It's easy to get caught up in the emotion
of winning or losing a sporting event. If one doesn't take care,
a game or match can become too great a priority.
Reminders of that fact come rarely, which is probably a good
thing. If we were continually faced with the reality that our
contests are not actually that important in the grand scheme,
they'd lose their appeal. And with the appeal we would lose all
the positive aspects of athletic competition.
A fellow who's known me possibly since before I could walk brought
the proper perspective of competition to mind earlier this week
as we stood by a freshly-dug grave.
"You know, it's not so much whether you win or lose on the
field, it's whether you win out here."
No doubt, it could not have been stated more clearly.
There is no better time to judge an athlete's or coach's mettle
than when he's faced with an impossible task. The same could
be said of life.
Joe Montana and John Elway will always be two of the best to
have picked up a football, because they always believed they
could win, no matter the situation. Fourth-quarter comebacks
were a trademark for both.
A recent ESPN story on Montana told of his calmness under pressure.
During one of San Francisco's Super Bowl wins, Montana and the
49'ers were down with very little time on the clock. At one point
during what would prove to be the game-winning drive, Montana
paused in the huddle and pointed out to his teammates a celebrity
in the stands. One of the four biggest games of his life was
on the line, and still Montana managed to keep his cool.
The past week was full of exciting events in the sporting world.
I saw Georgia Tech nearly upset one of the best football teams
in the country. I saw South Carolina do the unthinkable. I saw
Notre Dame nearly do the same. I saw an Atlanta Falcon get tackled
on the five yard-line and still manage to tumble over his opponent
and into the end zone without his knee touching the ground.
I even saw my seven year-old sink a 30-foot putt on a miniature
golf course.
And then I saw two dear friends put the lifeless body of their
newborn in the ground. Their grief was understandably terrible,
but they reflected the Grace their Lord imparted to them beautifully.
Their example of courage was nothing short of marvelous.
"You know, it's not so much whether you win or lose on the
field, it's whether you win out here."
Yeah, sports are important. Heck, if it weren't for sports, I'd
be out of a job.
I've seen a lot of winners during the past year. This week, I
saw three of the greatest.
You read right. Three. Mom. Dad. And Baby. His was the greater
victory.
Play well, all.
"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
-- Phil. 1:21
Tim Thomas is a reporter for The Jackson
Herald. He may be reached at 367-2348, or via email at SpeckCh@aol.com.
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