More Jackson County Opinions...

 September 13, 2000

Column
By Adam Fouche
The Jackson Herald
September 13, 2000

Ladies, this one's for you
Earlier this year, I wrote two columns addressing women. One concerned how to get a woman while the other was about understanding women.
Since then, I have been flooded with letters from female readers who wish to know more about men. And because I am a fair and level-headed journalist, I will address these questions in my column today.
·Why won't men stop and ask for directions? Well, this is a common myth that has been a stigma to the male race for many decades. Truth is, we don't need any directions. From the very beginning, a tribe of Neanderthal men got together and elected a chairman named Jirb. Jirb decided that men must make women feel like they are far superior to us in intelligence, so we purposely drive way out of the way to make women think we are lost. It's all part of the "Plan."
· Why do guys always look at other women? The answer to this question is two fold. First, ladies, I think you are rather misunderstanding our intentions. As outlined in the "Plan," a man looks at another woman and merely thinks, "Man, I'm glad that is not my girlfriend (or wife) because she is no where near as beautiful as you." Second, the man is simultaneously thinking, "That skirt would look much better on my sweet lady."
·Why don't men listen? Huh? I'm sorry; I was watching the TV.
·Why don't men share their feelings? Here we have a miscommunication. Men do share their feelings. On the football field, men share anger with one another. Fishing in the boat, men share their appreciation of life. And in front of the TV, men share their happiness.
·Why do men flip through several stations, why don't they just watch one thing? This boils down to intellect. Why should we watch one TV show and only learn about how to build a deck when we can watch four and learn how to build a deck in Antarctica that will support the habitat of African jungle ants and provide enough food for the cast of "Will and Grace"? You see, it is simply a matter of keeping an open mind. We want to learn as much as possible in the smallest amount of time. Again, this is all part of the "Plan."
·Why do men leave dirty clothes lying around all the time? In 1643, Sir Thomas de Aroma invented a new system for determining how dirty our clothes were. Under de Aroma's amendments to the "Plan," a man does not wash an article of clothing until: (A) it becomes too stiff to wear, or (B) it begins glowing and emitting higher amounts of radiation than the soil in Chernobyl. If neither of those exceptions apply, then the article of clothing is not dirty and should not be washed.
·How do you get a man? Just be a woman.
·Why don't men put down the toilet seat? Why don't women put the toilet seat up?
·Why don't men take care of their responsibilities around the house? I don't know about this one. I mean, at my house, whenever the doorknob falls off, I pick it up and put it back on. And besides, all the remote controls have fresh batteries.
·Why don't men admit when they're wrong? I don't think this is a problem.
·Why are men lazy? I'll answer this question later.
·Why do men always want to be the boss? Because it never happens.
Well, that's about it, ladies. I hope I have helped all of you understand the male race a little better. See, we are not as bad as many of you think.
And if you have any more questions, just let me know. I'll get around to answering you, sometime.
In the meantime, there's three or four shows I need to be watching on TV.
Adam Fouche is a reporter for MainStreet Newspapers. His email address is fouche@nbank.net.

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Column
By Tim Thomas
The Jackson Herald
September 13, 2000


Winning where it counts
It's easy to get caught up in the emotion of winning or losing a sporting event. If one doesn't take care, a game or match can become too great a priority.
Reminders of that fact come rarely, which is probably a good thing. If we were continually faced with the reality that our contests are not actually that important in the grand scheme, they'd lose their appeal. And with the appeal we would lose all the positive aspects of athletic competition.
A fellow who's known me possibly since before I could walk brought the proper perspective of competition to mind earlier this week as we stood by a freshly-dug grave.
"You know, it's not so much whether you win or lose on the field, it's whether you win out here."
No doubt, it could not have been stated more clearly.
There is no better time to judge an athlete's or coach's mettle than when he's faced with an impossible task. The same could be said of life.
Joe Montana and John Elway will always be two of the best to have picked up a football, because they always believed they could win, no matter the situation. Fourth-quarter comebacks were a trademark for both.
A recent ESPN story on Montana told of his calmness under pressure. During one of San Francisco's Super Bowl wins, Montana and the 49'ers were down with very little time on the clock. At one point during what would prove to be the game-winning drive, Montana paused in the huddle and pointed out to his teammates a celebrity in the stands. One of the four biggest games of his life was on the line, and still Montana managed to keep his cool.
The past week was full of exciting events in the sporting world. I saw Georgia Tech nearly upset one of the best football teams in the country. I saw South Carolina do the unthinkable. I saw Notre Dame nearly do the same. I saw an Atlanta Falcon get tackled on the five yard-line and still manage to tumble over his opponent and into the end zone without his knee touching the ground.
I even saw my seven year-old sink a 30-foot putt on a miniature golf course.
And then I saw two dear friends put the lifeless body of their newborn in the ground. Their grief was understandably terrible, but they reflected the Grace their Lord imparted to them beautifully. Their example of courage was nothing short of marvelous.
"You know, it's not so much whether you win or lose on the field, it's whether you win out here."
Yeah, sports are important. Heck, if it weren't for sports, I'd be out of a job.
I've seen a lot of winners during the past year. This week, I saw three of the greatest.
You read right. Three. Mom. Dad. And Baby. His was the greater victory.
Play well, all.
"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."
-- Phil. 1:21

Tim Thomas is a reporter for The Jackson Herald. He may be reached at 367-2348, or via email at SpeckCh@aol.com.


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