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Column
By
Rochelle Beckstine
The Jackson Herald
November 29, 2000
Revocation of
independence
A friend from Germany emailed this to me over the Thanksgiving
weekend. I thought a few of you might find it amusing.
At the top, in German, it loosely says because of what has not
happened ...
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light
of your failure to elect a president of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchal
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97,853,375,025,767 of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same 27 words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task.
We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There
is only one kind of football (proper football). What you refer
to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 215,100,106,732 of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially,
it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football,"
but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a U.S. rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 885,100,402,611 of you
who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders
should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the
bad guys. "Merde" is French for "[****]"
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will
be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it
is for your own good. When we show you German (proper) cars,
you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Rochelle Beckstine is a reporter for MainStreet Newspapers.
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Jackson County Opinion Index |
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Column
By
Tim Thomas
The Jackson Herald
November 29, 2000
 Winter sports thrill ride begins
Thank goodness for winter sports. Sure, football is great, but
it happens only once a week. Yeah, there's the softball season
to spice up fall sports, but the pace is just as slow as that
of football.
Of course, there's volleyball, but that's still not breakneck-speed
like basketball.
Good basketball teams play solid, slower-paced, well-planned
games.
Great basketball teams can play that same game in a higher gear.
Last week's season-opening basketball tournaments were filled
with high-flying players, fast-break layups and hard-fought jump
balls.
The Jefferson crowd raised the gymnasium roof after Buzz Wehunt's
fast-break slam to end a win over Pace Academy. Shaudrick Martin
established himself as a strong inside presence, and Dantonio
Chandler shot through more than one hot three-point streak.
Tim Birdette dished a fireball pass to Dustin David for an easy
two at the Panther Pit. Teammate Jay Tory made an astounding
short pass to B.J. Wilmont who kept up with his Panther
pals well despite just returning from injury in traffic
for another two.
Jefferson's Sunny Bush somehow survived being flung about by
Holy Innocents' monster post Wynter Whitley, Staci Childress
flung herself about as she always does, and Melinda Floyd grabbed
for balls right and left, picking up several steals in the process.
Back at The Pit, freshman Nikki Sosebee stunned opponents by
playing like a seasoned veteran. Ashley Rainwater took the ship's
helm after Carla Cato went down, and pushed her team down the
court quickly. Senior Megan Elliott drove and dove all weekend.
Yeah, basketball is really fun to watch, particularly when the
players are of the caliber of those at Jackson County and Jefferson.
One reporter I know often gets so caught up in the games, he
often forgets he's actually there to work.
Let's not leave out wrestling. There really
is no other sport like it. It has the grit and in-your-face warfare
of the front lines in football, only it's right out there in
the open for all to see. One-on-one, sweat rolling, muscles rippling,
grunts abounding. Real guy stuff.
The pace is often slower than basketball, but it's often not,
too. A well-executed switch is a lovely sight, and a textbook
fireman's carry or Granby roll is hard to beat for excitement.
This weekend's Panther Invitational is sure to provide moments
just as thrilling as last week's tipoff tournaments. For the
novice, Saturday evening's championship finals are a sure-fire
bet for eye-popping action. Those more familiar with the sport
will appreciate the morning's semifinals, when 90 percent of
all team tournament championships are decided.
If you're looking for a way to keep winter's cabin fever at bay,
come out and support one of our local basketball or wrestling
teams. This year's teams, more than most, will give you plenty
of things to ooh and aah about.
Tim Thomas is a reporter for The Jackson
Herald. He may be reached at 367-2348, or via email at SpeckCh@aol.com.
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