More Jackson County Opinions...

March 28, 2001


Column
By Virgil Adams
The Jackson Herald
March 28, 2001

Just trying to save a life
There are two kinds of men in the world: those who have prostate problems and those who are going to have them. Just stick around, young fellow. You'll see.
Be forewarned, ladies and gentlemen. This medical column is somewhat like an X-rated movie. Well, R-rated anyway. It may be offensive to a few prudes out there who are priggishly attentive to propriety. The weak of heart and squeamish of stomach may also want to move on to sports. This is very serious business.
Look, all we are trying to do here is save a man's life. If what follows disgusts you, I'm sorry. Sort of, anyway.
Marvin Poe told me one time that for every deer you see by the side of the road, there are 10 back in the woods that you don't see.
My doctor told me one time that for every man who talks to him about his prostate troubles, there are 10 (back in the woods?) who can't, don't and won't.
Why is that?
I don't know this for a fact, but I've been told that a woman runs to her gynecologist if she even suspects she has a problem peculiar to her sex.
But the typical man? Never. No, not to his gynecologist. His urologist. Shoot, he doesn't even know how to spell urologist. He'll talk to anybody (except a doctor) about anything (except his genitalia).
He gets up umpteen times a night to urinate. He spends more time in the bathroom than he does in bed. That's why his bed is in the other room. I mean, somebody's got to get some sleep.
On his way to work he slams on his brakes, pulls off the road and hits the woods. He has to be careful he doesn't do it in his shoes. And he nearly always leaves more in than he lets out. That is why, when he arrives at the office, he has to make a side trip before he arrives at his cubicle.
When he arrives in unfamiliar territory - the ballpark, church, movie, restaurant, new neighbor's house - his first question is, "Where is the bathroom?"
He hasn't had a decent cup of coffee in years - just that awful decaffeinated stuff. Don't offer him a soft drink unless it's caffeine free. He used to like beer, but the last one he had tripled its volume and he camped out in the bathroom all night.
He wakes up in the morning with lower back pain, which he attributes to sleeping crooked last night or that awkward golf shot Saturday.
Now, when he goes to the john to relieve himself, there's little relief and lots of misery.
Then come the chills, fever and shaking of a full-blown urinary tract infection. The symptoms may be forerunners of kidney stones, kidney failure or - perish the thought - the C word.
Now he's forced to go to the doctor and talk about his problems. Oh, if he'd just gone when he first started spending too much time in the bathroom. Chances are an enlarged prostate gland was his only trouble - back then.
But today, following surgery and facing radiation, he is looking for a support group.a
I heartily recommend the one that meets every morning for coffee and fellowship at Bruce's Fine Foods. Half of the 20 or so men who gather around that oblong table have been there and done that, and are alive and well and willing to share their experiences. In fact, they enjoy it. No longer are they shy and bashful. Nothing embarrasses them anymore. They'll tell you everything you've ever wanted to know about the male genital system.
Furthermore, they will allay your fears and entertain you with their stories. Just keep in mind that some of them are fishermen.
All of them have had run-ins with the catheter. This is a hollow cylinder designed to be passed through the urethra into the bladder to drain residual urine after you have drained all you could on your own.
It is not true that the catheter is the size of a garden hose. That is a fish story.
And when the doctor digitally examines your prostate, he does it with the middle finger on his right hand (if he is right-handed) - not with a policeman's nightstick, as one survivor swears.
The passage of the catheter is known as catheterization. Today (What has this world come to?), the procedure is usually administered by a girl, female, lady, woman nurse.
One veteran of the prostate wars went through this ordeal every four months for several years. Waiting on the examining table, he prayed that he would get the pretty, sweet, gentle one. His prayers were seldom answered. More often than not, he got the ugly old battleaxe (macho if she had been the opposite sex) who hated all men. In fact, she hated men so much that she never bothered to lubricate the catheter.
Another told about his prostate surgery. The doctor said someone would come in and prep (shave) him before the operation. Someone was a beautiful little blonde female in her early 20s. If that were not embarrassing enough, another little blonde female in her early 20s came in to watch.
Young men, of course, will not find this unusual or unpleasant. I'm just trying to prepare the older generation for what awaits them at the urology clinic or hospital - those who didn't see about their problems when they first showed up.
And I do hope that this informative essay and accompanying testimonials will motivate all men to check with their doctor on a regular basis - whether they need to or not. (They really need to.)
Prevention is the best cure. Early detection is second best. It could keep you healthy for many years to come. Or would you rather be a member in good standing of the support group that meets every morning at Byrd's?
Just trying to save your life.
Virgil Adams is a former owner and editor of The Jackson Herald.

Column
By Adam Fouche
The Jackson Herald
March 28, 2001


Recent study: Some foods will kill you
I will, from time to time, browse through the many medical journals on the market today.
A recent study I came across included a list of several common foods that researchers have found to cause problems among test subjects. I spent several hours reading through the study, and I wish to give you a synopsis of the main points.
Here, I have compiled a short list of the foods and the probable side effects of eating them:
·Boiled cabbage. Researchers found that the smell of boiled cabbage could cause "serious stress-related symptoms" in children. Of the 12 children tested, 11 of them reported increased anxiety and fear. Researchers also found the children had high blood pressure and heart rate when subjected to the smell of boiled cabbage. Further, the study concluded that boiled cabbage may cause heart attacks and strokes among children under the age of 13. One child tested enjoyed the smell and taste of the boiled cabbage. However, researchers found the child to be without taste buds.
·Turnip greens. According to the study, 100 percent of all individuals who ate turnip greens will be dead in 100 years. Researchers found that the acidic juice in the greens, as well as in spinach and mustard greens, causes "normal aging" of body organs, leading eventually to "death." However, researches couldn't specify if death was associated directly with turnip greens or with the natural aging process.
·Brussel sprouts. Researchers found brussel sprouts to contain a chemical known as Notagonna-eattitt 12. The chemical, a very potent hexipolycarbon, causes severe temper tantrums in children. Side effects may include screaming, hitting, crying, throwing of food, pouting and even anger. All 12 of the children tested reacted negatively to Notagonna-eattitt 12.
·Potted meat. Potted meat, the study concluded, contained enough harmful ingredients to "exterminate an entire race of people." Researches that found that when mixed with crackers, potted meat becomes "less fatal." However, among 134 prisoners forced to eat potted meat, 133 vowed to never again commit a crime at the threat of having to eat more potted meat on crackers. One of the inmates died after being stabbed in the shower, a direct result of having eaten potted meat.
·Pinto beans. The study stated that all 100 subjects who wear given pinto beans reported a significant increase in "flatulence." Researchers rated the stigma a perfect 10 on the Flatulency Scale. Test subjects also reported increased anxiety and embarrassment in public situations. The subjects also had fewer friends and were often criticized by family members. Among the subjects who were single, 90 percent reported increased difficulty in dating. Sixty-five percent of the married subjects said they were forced to sleep on the couch more often and experienced an increase in marital tension.
I hope you will find the information in this report to be very useful. I recommend you cutout this column and place it on the fridge next to the grocery list, just to keep you from innocently purchasing any of the items above.
For more information, you may contact the National Council on Nasty Foods or visit my website at www.uga.edu/arches/~fouche.
Adam Fouche is a reporter for MainStreet Newspapers. His e-mail address is fouche@nbank.net.

 

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