More Jackson County Opinions...

JULY 17, 2002


Column
By: Angie Gary
The Jackson Herald
July 17, 2002

Glad so many criminals are not very smart
A lot of criminals are stupid...and I’m glad.
You always hear true stories about bank robbers who go to the bank where they do business to rob it. A friend of mine was working as a bank teller years ago when a man she went to high school with came in to rob the bank. It was a small town and everyone knew who he was and where to find him. Not very smart.
A man authorities were search for in connection with a double murder was found in another state last week driving the very vehicle that was stolen from the victims. You would think he would have got rid of the vehicle or at least the tag on it long ago. Also, not very smart.
Another man who allegedly burglarized a home didn’t where shoes when he committed the crime. If you didn’t have a car with you and were planning to get away on foot, wouldn’t you at least wear shoes? It’s no wonder that his feet got cut during the chase and ended up infected. It’s also this escape plan that likely led to his arrest. Not a lot of thought went into this crime and I sure an glad.
Some crimes are committed and never solved, which is a shame. But I’m glad that so many criminals aren’t very smart and make these mistakes that lead to their capture and arrest.
In reading over local crime reports for years, I’ve noticed that people who end up being arrested for drug and alcohol violations make stupid traffic violations that lead to their arrest. You would think that if you are carrying drugs around that you would not speed or have a cracked tail light or windshield. Luckily for law enforcement, traffic violators often have illegal substances in their cars or are driving while drunk.
Since I write about crime on a weekly basis, I probably think about criminals more than the average person. I often shake my head over an incident and wonder how in the world a person thought they could get away with the crime they committed. Often-times, drugs are what leads to the crime being committed. Drugs will impair a person so much that they commit a crime or they will commit a crime in order to get money to buy drugs. This is why I have to smile every time a drug pusher or user is caught.
Ridding our streets is the only way to even begin to get a handle on crime. Burglaries, domestic disputes and many other crimes can all be attributed to drugs.

Angela Gary is editor of The Banks County News and associate editor of The Jackson Herald.

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Column
By: Virgil Adams
The Jackson Herald
July 17, 2002

New miracle drug on the horizon
I am indebted to the late Dr. C.F. Simmons of St. Louis, Mo., for this column.
All of the women and girls of the world would be indebted to him, too, if his Squaw Vine Compound were still on the market.
As far as I know, the only bottle in existence rests on the shelf with over 500 other antique medicines at the Crawford W. Long Pharmacy in Jefferson.
I am offering this warning to the owner of the store: Hide the bottle, Fred Gurley. When the ladies of Jackson County read this, they will kill for a teaspoon of Squaw Vine. Modern-day drugs pale in comparison to this patented miracle potion.
(You macho, redneck males may find Squaw Vine’s efficacy too strong for your weak, beer belly stomachs. You are at liberty to turn the page at any time.)
This powerful medication is for women only: mothers, expectant mothers and young girls.
“Dr. Simmons Squaw Vine Compound exercises a beneficial effect on mothers who are nervous and exhausted. It is also especially helpful to expectant mothers.
“It helps the female organs, relieves irritation and pain, and is a good tonic.
“It helps to overcome that nausea which makes life a burden to prospective mothers.
“It is adapted for women who are weak or debilitated as it helps to restore lost appetite and invigorate the digestive organs.
“It contributes to a strengthening influence on the body, thus reducing the liability of unfavorable conditions at the critical time.
“It is of value in aiding the recovery of strength after refinement.
“It is pleasant to take. Purely vegetable. Free from narcotics. No unpleasant after results. Alcohol 12 per cent.”
(Editorial comment: The 12 percent ingredient may have accounted for the popularity of the medication during prohibition.)
“Squaw Vine Compound is used exclusively for the ailments of women. It possesses ingredients which are known to be appropriate for restoring healthy conditions in the system.”
And that is just on one side of the box that contains the bottle. There is more on the other side.
“Recommended for the relief of diseases peculiar to women, and derangements arising from disorders of the female organs. Also for general debility and as a nerve tonic. “Net contents 8 ounces. Prepared only by C. F. Simmons Medicine Co., St. Louis, Mo., U.S.A. Price one dollar.”
On one of the side panels we find this: “For women suffering from weakness, nervousness, debility, headaches, nausea of the stomach and the distress which accompanies changing conditions of life.”
And Dr. Simmons did not neglect younger females when he concocted his miracle.
“Girls approaching womanhood who suffer from headaches, nervousness, bad breath, poor appetite and the painful irregularities peculiar to their age should use Dr. Simmons Squaw Vine Compound. It is well adapted to meet such conditions and to assist nature to establish health and regularity.”
But sometimes Squaw Vine was not enough. So Dr. C.F. Simmons recommended Dr. M.A. Simmons (his daddy, brother or son?) Vegetable Liver Regulator.
“It is of the first importance in the treatment of menstrual irregularities, painful menstruation, nervous weakness, heart palpitation, headaches, sick stomach, and sallowness, to keep the bowels open and active. When the bowels are coactive, and the liver torpid, the system becomes clogged with bilious impurities which interfere with the Squaw Vine. Therefore, the medicine is unable to produce its best effect. Recovery is thus very much delayed or prevented altogether.”
Now comes the plug for dad, brother or son’s Vegetable Liver Regulator “to keep the bowels purified. It is composed of strictly vegetable ingredients that act mildly and pleasantly, without upsetting the stomach or causing any distress to the bowels. By keeping the system free from impurities, it greatly assists the Squaw Vine in its work.”
The good doctor goes on to extol the virtues of “A Sanative Wash,” but out of respect for my queasy readers, I ain’t about to go there.
Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go in with Fred and me and make a lot of money? We have it on good authority that Squaw Vine was a forerunner of kudzu. We are about to unlock Dr. Simmons’ secret formula. We will increase the alcohol content to 24 percent — to make it popular with macho rednecks — and up the price to $24 a bottle.
We will put Viagra and Midol out of business, and make more money than a WorldCom or Enron CEO.
Virgil Adams is a former owner and editor of The Jackson Herald.


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