JUNE 18, 2003

Column

By: Angela Gary
The Banks County News
June 18, 2003

Column

By: Phillip Sartain
The Banks County News
June 18, 2003

Skipping Pages
I like to go to the beach. And I like for my wife to go with me. We both like to sit in the sand and relax. You can learn a lot about your spouse that way.
Whenever we travel to the beach, my wife always takes along several books to read. And so do I. But I can’t ever seem to keep up the pace. My wife reads books faster that Stephen King can write them. In fact, she reads them so fast that it makes me suspicious. I hate to say this, but I think she cheats.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a slow reader. It’s a trait I inherited from my Father — he can take a whole afternoon to read the local newspaper. Whenever I read a book, it’s a struggle. I labor and sweat over every word on every page. I even read the page numbers slowly.
On the other hand, when we’re on vacation, my wife devours books like a shark on a feeding frenzy. Every time I turn around, she’s slamming another book shut. It’s just her way of saying, “Well, little tortoise, I finished another race and you’re the loser.” It always makes me want to draw up into my shell.
And while I’m still hung up on page one of whatever I’m reading, she snatches up another book and she’s gone like a hare. It’s unnatural.
On our last trip, I decided to confront her. We were down on the beach when I noticed that she was nearing the end of War and Peace. “You’re cheating again,” I said. “You just started that book this morning.”
She just ignored me and kept on flipping pages. “Everybody can tell you’re only reading every other page,” I told her. “That doesn’t count.”
“No I’m not,” she answered without stopping.
I knew I had her this time. “Okay then, let’s take this little reading comprehension test I just happened to have with me.”
She glanced at me and said, “You’re jealous, aren’t you?”
“No I’m not,” I argued. “I just want a little verification. If you’re going to pretend to read fast, I want proof.”
“Get a life,” she told me as she turned the page. She was reading at the same time she was blowing me off. That was the last straw.
“You know, you’re not fooling anybody,” I accused her, admittedly sounding a little childish. “You’re skipping the boring parts and just reading the dialogue. You might as well be reading the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version.”
I was still sulking when she slammed the book shut and gave me a smile. “Pretty good book,” she said. “You ought to take a year off from work and read it sometime.”
Then she laughed and walked off down the beach. It was like having your wife kick sand in your face. But I got over it. When I finished what I was reading, I took the comprehension test myself. I would have made a perfect score, but I missed the question about kryptonite.
You just can’t afford to skip any pages when you read a Superman comic book.
Phillip Sartain is an attorney in Gainesville.

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